After losing a loved one or someone close to you, it is always nice to find some form of piece or solitude. I found this difficult in daily life, feeling distracted, disorientated and unfocused; longing for some reasoning or sense of belonging.
I lost my grandad at the end of April 2015, suddenly, unexpectedly and what feels like unfairly.
I keep thinking I need to fix myself instead of just processing my feelings. Sometimes these emotions and memories are so strong in my mind that I find it hard to focus on things in everyday life. I seem to lean heavily on friends and family helping me with a shoulder to cry on, kind words and create times of reflection over his amazing life. I now make a lot of lists, in my head or on paper to remember what I need to do or to plan for future. Changing my life accordingly seems so difficult and a new routine is what it needs keeping me busy and distracted instead of moping around the flat. I cry a lot of the time, even when the urge can hit at any time even in public areas, I’d find a safe place and let the tears flow. With this I felt the smallest things upset me, such as forgetting to buy food on the way home from work and this spiralling into crying for the evening.
The next step for me is preparing for milestones, birthdays, holidays and Christmas. As I know this will trigger a grief reaction. This will be exacerbated when the shock and numbness wears off, that only time will help heal the pain and get me through.
With all of this I think; There is no right or wrong way to process the death of someone close to you. You have to do what you think is best for you. Whether that be counselling or getting back to normal. There is no set timescale for dealing with grief. Things are dependent on the relationship between you and the deceased and the manner of which they died, both factors of how people handle death and how the time it takes varies.
A lot of people think there should be certain ways of dealing with a loss, but to hell with at. Grief is a unique experience and if you are angry, break something; If you are sad, cry.
But remember this state of mind will not last forever, you will come out the other side with a new outlook, beliefs, feelings or aspirations. The process however never really ends, it just changes and takes a different path.
I have learnt that you should take your time and be gentle on yourself.
Think about the deceased everyday but now with less questioning and self pity but with more gratitude for the life and the love that you shared.